Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Pressure Test

A few weeks ago I found myself in a situation that caused my emotions to work harder than they ever have. It felt as if I had officially lost all control of anything I had in my grasp; The inevitable moment that I knew would come, but was dreading so terribly. I began to question any faith that I had in God, and it completely terrified me.

It's the time in a couples marriage that is typically an exciting moment, yet the unfortunate reminder of being human, your nerves can't help but get the best of you. The specific situation I am referring to, is the "I'm-12-days-late-should-I-take-a-test" moment! The days leading up, I had to audibly tell myself "Naomi, please do not get your hopes up." The truth is, no matter how many times I said it, read it, or prayed it, (deep down) I was trying to be the optimist that I wasn't. The time came and with the result, reality hit me hard. 

Was I crazy to have just the slightest bit of hope? Was I crazy to think that we could have finally beat the odds? Here I thought I was doing the "christian thing" by having faith that this could be the outcome we have been praying for. Only I felt like that kid who is waiting for that promised day of fun, only to be let down by someone that you hold up so high. If I had to give my interpretation of what a heart attack would feel like, it was that moment; Complete with hyperventilating sobs, trying to focus on breathing and an aching heart. I'm so thankful for having an amazingly patient husband who can comfort me and be the voice of reason in times of despair. In the midst of the hurt and disappointment, this pressure test caused me to look even deeper into the plan that God has for me and Ben. In the end, I came out of this one a bit more stretched in my faith.

I am quickly learning that infertility isn't just a one time diagnosis, it is a daily struggle. I hope this experience will make all of the future ones a little bit easier to deal with. I don't ever want to get to a place where I question Gods plan, not even just a little bit - It's the scariest place to be. I am so blessed to be just a small part of the big picture.

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"